Pain Piece

On Pain.

How uncomfortable it is to sit in pain. To acknowledge it and allow it to be felt. How much harder, then, it is to sit with others in their pain. To be near in times of mourning. 

How do we show love to those who are in deep lament? I think we may start by listening. By being a kind presence & place of comfort. A hand to hold, tightly, in moments where answers are neither found nor necessarily desired.

These past few weeks I’ve had the enormous honor of trying to understand what pain looks like in the stories of others as well as capture what it could look like through my lens. A few wonderful & brave hearts have been willing to share the stories of their pain now, with you. Through loss & the deep struggles of depression, they tell the stories of how this has looked for them. But there is hope for redemption. I have seen it in all of their stories & it is glorious. I hope you allow the words you are about to read to fill you with more love for the other & with empathy for where those around you are hurting - & I hope that these images I've captured mean something to you. 

"it’s silly

how you sit around in my body 

a hollow little thing 

volatile and ugly 

but we’re friends, you see

for i am you, and you me

but I don’t want to be so intricately 

fabricated by your void

i leave you on a shelf 

not to die but to be left

for when I come back with my head held high

we both may break but not die 

i just want to make it out"

- Natalie Littier

                                                                  (This photo above was taken by Nat's husband, James Littier) 

"All at once, gradually, or somewhere between: we come face to face with pain. As an initial shield of numbness begins to dissolve, slowly (softly) seeps in the thought of change, the knowing of loss; the understanding that nothing will ever feel the same.

I have known pain. I know you have, too. I have been stripped down to the core; to my rawest form. somewhere in the midst of it all, though, I began to find comfort. I grew close to, almost fond of my pain. I surrendered to my immense discomfort, and began to feel. 

I began to let this brokenness run wildly through my veins.

It was here I was reminded of the butterfly. while extensively earth-shattering: pain, when braved, is like metamorphosis. experienced and unleashed when we least expect it, to birth us into anew.

as my eyes blinked open and caught a glimpse of the light that lay beyond my cocoon, I began to recognise the same brokenness in those around me. after feeling distant for some time, I now knew that rather than separation, pain can bring unity. through sharing, rather than comparing our scars, we are reminded of how deeply connected we all are. raw vulnerability can bring healing.. and on that note, I think that’s why I feel so grateful to be writing this; to share a little of myself with whoever might be reading. 

today, I wear my scars with pride because they make me human.

I wear my scars with gratitude, because they remind me that I am so much more."

- Jess Olivier

"Acknowledging my emotional pain is never easy. First it feels like someone is holding my lungs and I completely lose my breath. For a split second the world goes quiet and then it all comes rushing out like hot steam. It hits me in my stomach next, and I curl up like a ball, rocking back & forth like a child. The tears do not stop streaming from my eyes. 

Disbelief, anger, hurt, confusion, exasperation. The incredible shame that has come with hurting myself has given me the worst anxiety I have ever felt. I am unable to move forward. I am stuck in a timeless loophole replaying disappointments, traumas, guilt and I cannot snap out of it. 

The helplessness that comes along with emotional pain is what triggers my anxiety most times. I cannot do anything because I have been sitting or lying down but, my body feels numb whilst my thoughts run wild, confirming all the guilt that I have kept at the back of my mind. My heart starts to race, and I feel panicked but, I do not move, I just lay there. It feels as if sounds around me get louder; the television in the lounge, a parent making tea in the kitchen whilst clinking the teaspoon against the cup. I do not get up. I just lay on my bed feeling helpless, so I close my eyes and fall asleep. Frustration comes with being able to move but the will to get up not being there.

I think harboring that inner pain is what took a lot of my energy, and in taking that energy, my will to do things deteriorated. I did not have the will for life anymore and I ended up loathing myself for that. I still do on most days but I have been working on it which has been very difficult. In that pain I have had to find acceptance and forgiveness for myself however, I have always struggled to do that."

- Chelsea Kannemeyer 

"I’ve battled depression for years, and it honestly took over my life. It could come in waves, or it was always sitting there, just above my head, like a dark cloud. It heavily affected my personal relationships, and it also had a really negative impact on my academic work. It was incredibly difficult and frustrating for me; I was just unable to do  anything because even the most simple thing would seem impossible.

But recently, I’ve learnt that I couldn’t control depression, but I could control how I let it affect me. I decided to stop allowing my pain to be seen as a liability, and for the first time, I felt stronger than my pain. 

I think our views on pain and suffering may be a bit misconstrued. We’ve conditioned ourselves to believe that it is only through success, in which we move forward. This is damaging to us as human beings because our biggest growth will actually come from our biggest struggle. You’re always growing as a person, even when it feels like your world is falling apart.

It is through our pain and suffering that we are forced out of our comfort zones and forced to face the deep and darkest parts of ourselves. And by hurting, by being alone, you will learn so, so much about yourself and the world around you. You will gain wisdom, empathy and strength - and it’s these exact qualities that make up some of the best human beings I know. Don’t be afraid of your pain, it’s there to teach you something. It’s up to you how you respond to it. Don’t be afraid to let yourself grow."

- Juliet Almendro 

"Pain is not you, you are not pain 

You feel pain, pain doesn’t feel you, pain can take away what you have, your happiness, Joy, patience, kindness but it won’t give you anything back in return 

But you can minimize pain

That’s why you must stay prolific by cage freeing yourself and flying like an eagle, because things get smaller when you see them from bird view! 

Pain gives you the biggest lessons!"

- A.A.

A massive thank you to the wonderful people that were open enough to share their words with us, and  thank you for taking the time to engage, read their words & look at my photographs. Also big thanks to my sweet friends who allowed me to photograph them, you guys are amazing. 

I know this photoblog dealt with some heavy stuff, so feel I should remind you that, if you are not in a good space, please please please talk to someone you feel safe sharing with (my door is also always open if you feel comfortable sharing with me). I promise you that there are people who would love to walk the road with you. 

Let's love each other a little deeper.